Breaking Point

I'm a proud LEO wife. My husband is a dedicated and accomplished officer. I am privileged to support a man who has answered his calling and has made a career of serving others, upholding the law, and sacrificing himself. My LEO has been on duty for 14 and a half years and by association, so have I. Today I realized I'm just about to my breaking point. Let me explain...

I've spent two months raising a toddler while my husband was away at the Academy. And this was way back when we didn't have cell phones. Our son colored pictures and I traced his hands and mailed letters to his daddy while he was away. We spent weekends together until the day he graduated on our son's second birthday.

I spent many years sleeping in our bed alone while my husband worked the night shift. I put our kids to bed alone and tried to keep them quiet while he slept during the day. I cooked our dinner super early so we could eat together as a family before his shift started. I went alone to church, family events, we celebrated holidays while he wore his uniform and stopped by for a quick minute or two.

I've been woken up in the middle of the night when he came home and told me he had lost a fellow officer that night. I've held him while he wept, consoled his broken heart and broken spirit. I rode beside him in his patrol car as we drove under the flag lifted high... and as the last call for C7 came out over the radio. I wept too. That day was when I realized that it could happen to me, I could experience a day that my officer didn't make it home.

I've sat through school plays and awards ceremonies while my husband stood at the back of the room with his back to the wall. All because the room was full of people he had dealt with on the street or had taken to jail. I've sat through our daughter's 5th grade graduation and videoed the part where her name is called and she walks the stage... all because someone else needed him more than we did at that very moment, and he had to answer the call.

I've waited up many hours waiting for him to come home when he was on a SWAT call, only to find out he spent several hours freezing cold in water to his waist while someone was shooting at him. He's been the first one to enter the house when there is someone barricading themselves inside, and he's been the one laid over the sniper rifle... just waiting.

I've listened to my husband tell me the stories of the girl who was ejected from her car and laid in the middle of the road, and while she took her last breath he held her head and told her she would be alright. And the time he had to dive to retrieve the body of a drowned child, and all the bizarre methods and scenes of someones suicide... listened as he said he had to photograph the scene and help bag the body.

I've watched him be named Officer of the Year (twice), shoot a round from a sniper rifle through the keyhole of a doorknob, teach his fellow officers, lead his fellow officers, shed tears with his fellow officers, I've seen him on the best days and the worst days... I've seen it all.

I've listened to people complain about the cops, watched the media drag them through the mud, spread hate and ignorance. I've seen him get fighting mad at how this world views men and women like him. I've seen my husband get discouraged and want to give it up. I've heard him tell me he will not be the same man I married when his retirement date arrives. It's a scary thought actually and today I realized how true it is..... and on this day just a few hours ago...I spoke to my husband as he sat down in the squad room and as he told me about his day...  it pushed me to my breaking point.

See, what i experience of this LEO life is only a small fraction of what he does. I can't even imagine all the sights, smells, sounds, experiences, fears, and heartaches he has been through. I don't want to. There's a limit to how much of yourself you can sacrifice for another before you have nothing left to give. That's what LEO life is all about...

I now understand how a LEO wife can say they can't wait for the day their husband pins on his badge for the last time, for the last time he says he's 10-41, for the last time the velcro rips off the vest, the last time the gun is holstered. That's how I feel today... I'm more proud of my husband today than I was yesterday and less than I will be tomorrow. I'll support him until the very end... but I'll shed tears of JOY when I hear him say the words... County Alpha 1, I'll be 10-42... for the last time.

~Tara
aka Mrs. Alpha 1

Bowties and Sausage

I made this recipe for our Alpha shift Sunday dinner yesterday. Every Sunday that Bryan works we have lunch after church in dispatch. I look forward to it and to seeing everyone because a lot of times regular people don't really understand what law enforcement life is all about. It's hard and it's stressful and it helps to spend time just enjoying a nice meal and catching up with everyone. I was asked for the recipe and while typing it up I decided I'd share it on the blog.

Bowties with Sausage

1 box bowtie pasta

2 T olive oil

1 pound sweet or hot Italian sausage, casings removed and crumbled

 

½ tsp. crushed red pepper flakes

 

3 cloves of garlic, minced

½ cup diced onion

28 ounces stewed tomatoes, drained (and I usually smash them up with my hands)

1 ½ cups heavy cream

Salt and pepper to taste

 grated parmesan

In a large skillet over medium heat, brown sausage and red pepper flakes in the olive oil. Stir in onions and garlic and cook until onions soften. Add tomatoes, cream, and salt. Simmer about 10-15 minutes until sauce thickens a little. While sauce simmers, cook pasta, then drain and add to the sauce. Serve with grated parmesan. If I have basil from the garden, I'll garnish with it and it really sends this dish over the top, in my opinion... but I love basil.

 

This is one of Bryan's favorite meals and since food is my love language, I really enjoy making it for him. And it's so easy so you can't beat that.

 

~Tara

Un-Invincible

This is a LEO wife post... I do them to help me process what this LEO life is all about. I do them in hopes that maybe someone out in the world will read it and see a side of law enforcement that they had not ever thought about before.  I do them because I want to shine a positive light on officers, their sacrifice and their service. But often I find myself in a situation I can't understand or that is so surreal that it feels like our lives are on a movie screen, with actors all around, and costumes and makeup. You see when my LEO gets into uniform he almost transforms before my eyes into the hero of the movie. He doesn't ask me to see him this way, and to be honest probably wishes I wouldn't. But I do. I see him become the problem solver, the shift manager, the go to guy when you have a question, the leader of the pack, the "brother in blue". They call him "Sarge" and say "I Love You, mean it" all the time. He becomes the one looking out for the others, the one who will back you up, help you out, talk you down, lift you up. It's like the shiny gold badge makes me feel that he's invincible, and he wears the makeup of strength, calm, control. But it's just a mask really, a defense mechanism that protects him from feeling too much when the calls get rough, when his eyes see things he can't even describe to me. Wearing that mask keeps others from seeing the fear, shock, and horror that come when he regularly responds to things people in this evil world can do to each other.
Thankfully, the 10-42 comes and the shift is over, the uniform is off, the mask laid down (sometimes and sort of), and the real man comes out. The part of him who's a husband, a father, and brother and friend. He still manages the shift because really he's never off duty. He's the one they call when there's something to celebrate, something to talk over, some advice to give. Sometimes there's the calls that come late at night when one of his "brothers" is in need. He will give anything to any of them, anytime. I know it and they know it. It's when I am watching this that I realize that each one of them is just a man, a human trying to do a super human job, trying to maintain a façade of having it all together when inside they may be falling apart. They have problems... family problems, marriage problems, money issues, children to raise, the list can go on and on. And then comes the fact that they are un-invincible...imperfect, mistake making, regular people. Sometimes the mistakes are huge, shake you to your core mistakes, the ones that turn your life upside down, the ones that make you ache for the man who made them. Sometimes they aren't and you can learn from them and move on. Either way, it's the times when you see someone at their rock bottom and when the tears stream down your face for your "brother", that the LEO life in uniform and the LEO life out of uniform can be equally heartbreaking, stressful, and difficult. It's not a movie, it's real life, hard real life. I'm trying to remember my LEO is not a hero just because of what he wears. There are times he does a heroic thing, yes, and that's wonderful. But I am changing my perspective to what's more accurate... my LEO's just a man...that I love with all my heart.


~Tara

Being a LEOW

I take great pride in being a LEOW (law enforcement officer's wife). My kids do the same about being a LEO kid. It's all great when someone is nice and says thanks for your service, or good job, or when we all sit in dispatch and share a Sunday lunch as a family. We laugh and joke and are happy. But there are times when it's hard, very hard. Last night was one of those times. There were two separate calls, one shooting and one murder. In our small county, there aren't many murders, thankfully. So when your LEO texts to say he will not be home for dinner because he's on a murder scene, it can really rock your world. Maddie knew this last night and was obviously shaken by it. So she devised a plan... to rid the world of crime. See her Daddy was late and wasn't there to tuck her in at bedtime. She missed him and was worried about what he was doing. Her plan was to send all bad people to Mars, where they could either die out or kill each other, since bad people are stupid, you know. Then the world would be a safe and happy place. If only it were that simple. But I know it is not that way, so to stand in the gap for us are brave men and women who strap on a gun and vest, pin on their badge, and make their way into a cruel and ugly world to protect us, to serve, to be the thin blue line. I honor their commitment and dedication to this calling. I stand behind my husband to be his support, his listener when he needs to debrief, his safe place to come home to. Last night, I waited up for him. I said a prayer for his safety, I swept and mopped the floors, I cleaned sticky hand prints from our windows and door, I caught up on all the laundry. It was all I could do, keep busy and wait. Finally he pulled in the drive and got out of the uniform. The sound of velcro and the vest coming home is a comfort. When the radio is turned off, I know that he's done all he could that day. Strong arms hold me tight until I fall asleep. Tomorrow it will start all over again.....

~Tara

SWAT Camp 2014

Letters from Career Day

Last week Bryan spoke at Maddie's school about his career in law enforcement. She was thrilled to have her dad come and was so proud of him. She said he did a great job! One of the 4th grade classes sent him a stack of handmade thank you cards. 

These really made his day. There's not always a lot of thanks or praise given to a law enforcement officer, except from those who actually know what their life is like. It was nice to read all these notes of thanks and many of the kids said they wanted to be an officer after hearing him describe the job. I know this meant a lot to Bryan and I'm sure Maddie will never forget when her dad came to Career Day.

~Tara

Wrapping up LEO Week

We wrapped up LEO Appreciation Week with a softball game. Several other officers and dispatchers came out to play. Blake had a blast pitching and just being out on the field playing with his Dad. It was a fun time even if their team lost, badly.

~Tara

Give Something

It's National LEO Appreciation Week. To honor this week and the officers who have died in the line of duty, there have been many events to take part in. There was a blood drive at the sheriff's office in memory of our friend Bill. I decided to be brave and donate blood. I am not a fan of needles and try to avoid them if at all possible, however, I will step up for a good cause. And I did fine, by the way.

The same evening the kids and I attended the awards ceremony for the presentation of the Bill Schuck Memorial Scholarship. This scholarship is given to a student who will be pursuing a degree in Criminal Justice. This presentation is very important to me. I will never forget the first year it was presented. It was the same day that Carey Ann, Bill's wife, was giving birth to their son. I get chills as I type this, just like I did that night as the first scholarship was awarded in his memory. I was surprised to see Carey Ann and Aaron at the ceremony this week. It was good to see them and Aaron made friends with Maddie right away. It was love at first sight. :)
We all had time for pictures and to talk a while before they needed to head back home. It still breaks my heart to know that sweet boy never got to meet his dad.

Every 53 hours an officer gives his life in the line of duty. Let that sink in a little. If you know an officer, if you love an officer, if you ever have an opportunity, thank an officer and his family for his service. It will be very much appreciated. If you can give blood, do it. If you can give a smile or any act of kindness, do it. Give something...

~Tara

National Police Week 2014

May 11-17 is National Police Week. This time is set aside to show appreciation to our law enforcement officers and to honor those who have died in the line of duty. This week means a lot to me as a LEO wife. I am proud of my husband every day. I see how he loves his career and how it is most certainly his calling in life. He is dedicated and honorable and he is a great leader in his department. His shift is our family, we live our lives together and we understand this life in a way other people cannot. We suffered loss in our LEO family four years ago when one of Bryan's officers died in the line of duty. I have never experienced anything more heart wrenching than riding in my husband's patrol car while leading a several mile long procession of grieving officers. scared wives, shocked people. And as we rode under the American flag suspended by fire trucks, a dispatcher tried one last time to raise his on the radio, Charlie 7...county, Charlie 7... county, Charlie 7 end of watch. It was at that very moment in the silence with tears streaming down my face that I realized exactly what my husband wearing a badge meant. It meant that on any day, at any time, I could have the same thing happen to me. I could hear him called on the radio for the last time. In my opinion, it takes a hero to pin on a badge and protect us from the evil of this world.

Say thank you to the next officer you see, it will make his or her day.

~Tara

Snow Days Come Again

We have had our second round of snow days this winter, in the South snow days can be rare. Good amounts of snow are even more rare. I believe this round will be one for the record books. I have not ventured out today at all and it snowed all day long so I wouldn't have taken my camera out in it anyway. Tomorrow I will attempt to get some good pics to document this epic winter storm. We had a total of 7 kids in and out of the house playing, watching movies, and warming up. The dryer has run all day keeping the play clothes dry. I started out the day wishing I was on a warm beach somewhere alone with my sweet husband. But helping a friend who had to work by watching her kids changed my heart about the day. Sometimes a good dose of serving someone else will do the trick to bring you back to reality and appreciate what you have and make you realize things aren't as bad as they may seem. We are blessed by friends who would do anything for us and I am happy to be able to return that favor anytime I can.

~Tara

Tough Questions

There are tough questions in life. One of these is Why? You can ask Why? in a lot of situations and never really be able to find an answer. This is so true when you see the world through the lens of law enforcement. Officers see the very worst in people a lot of the time. It becomes draining to wonder why the world is the way it is, why people do the things they do, why am I in this profession anyway? As the wife of an officer, my heart aches for my husband who experiences horrible things that shake him to his core. When he responds to home where a young girl has taken her own life, when he kneels with an accident victim as she breathes her last breath, when he recovers a young drowning victim, or simply enters a home where children are neglected and unloved, my heart hurts because his does. He doesn't tell me all his stories and I understand why. I couldn't understand. But I am certain God created some special people with the capacity to bear the burdens of others, no matter how crushing that burden may feel.  He gave them extreme amounts of compassion, even if it feels like they have no compassion left. He gave them strength, kindness, determination, and the ability to remain calm in an emergency. He gave them brothers and sisters made from the same mold and he gave them a badge to wear. I am also certain he collects all the tears they shed and all the worries on their minds. He takes all the wounded and bleeding pieces of their hearts when they bring them to Him and He mends them. He refines the officer daily, and often the fire is very hot. My husband says at the end of his career he will no longer be the same person he was when he started. I think he feels that his career is taking parts of him and hardening them and that it's a bad thing. I think that God is using him exactly the way He wants to bring glory to Himself. When we realize our brokenness and take it to God, we see that we must rely on Him fully to endure this world. It's when we don't take it to Him that we risk remaining hard and broken. God can display his power in a life that remains devoted to Him and His purposes. I am proud to be a law enforcement family and I am thankful that God doesn't leave us alone in it. He's making us better daily and at the end of this career I am sure we will see a better version of ourselves.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God." Matthew 5:9